I know its kind of early to be writing you and I sincerely hope that when these few words reach you, that you are in the best of health. Christmas is still a pretty long way away, but what I am about to ask for may take you sometime to acquire and package in time. So I figured I would spot you just over four months to make it happen.

You do remember that one year when I asked for a Beyonce/Jay Z break up and instead you gave me a Ciara/Bow Wow split? Or the year I got the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction when you knew I wanted… OK so I did ask for a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction, but it was supposed to be both tits gosh darn it! Last year I asked for a Whitney Houston comeback, but no… you had to go with a whacked out Lauren Hill. Based on over a decade of near misses I am pleading that you only get this one right. Please.

Santa, my only Christmas want this year is the perfect woman. That’s all. I know its not much, but your track record speaks for itself and hence I have decided to provide you with a list of criteria so you can’t possibly mess this one up. The following represents everything I want in a woman: 

•  
  1. She watches SportsCenter on the regular and believes that if there is nothing interesting on the TV that SportsCenter is the default.
  2. She NEVER turns the channel to Lifetime, Oxygen, or TLC.
  3. She quits her supermodel job after she realizes that taking care of my kids is a far more satisfying experience.
  4. She is a recovering nymphomaniac, but my very presence triggers constant relapses.
  5. She took gymnastics and contortionist lessons awhile back for no real reason, but finds interesting ways to put those life lessons to use.
  6. Years of being a Victoria Secret model has made her allergic to wearing underwear.
  7. She thinks that cleaning and cooking for me makes her feel more like a woman.
  8. After losing in the final round of Hell’s Kitchen she feels oath bound to prove to me that she should have been the final chef standing.
  9. She believes me when I tell her that she is more suited for washing dishes because her smaller feet allow her to stand much closer to the kitchen sink than I ever could.
  10. She insists on taking a 10 month vacation during her pregnancy because she can’t stand the thought of looking fat in front of me.
  11. You can scrap the previous 10 criteria if the woman you bring me is Sanaa Lathan.

I require at least 8 out of the 10 criteria unless you get me the woman who meets the 11th criteria.

Sincerely yours,

Fiyah

P.S. If I hear that you are divorcing Mrs. Claus for the perfect woman I will send notice to my fellow Jamaicans living in Jamaica of an impending gay parade on Christmas Eve heralded by a reindeer-driven float and a chi-chi man in ah red and white jump suit. Serious ting.